Saturday, April 23
tjhtheiohaetha bleaugh
i don't know what's wrong with me anymore. sorry if i blew up at anyone or got irritated or just brushed people aside. i've been thinking a lot. and nothing's ever what it seems anymore. everything's got another meaning.
you never call anymore. and you don't pick up when i call. i guess there are no reasons why. except maybe it's meant to end this way. the locket hangs heavily around my neck. once i scared myself thinking about its implications, that weight pulling from my throat. i told siti, and she agreed i think too much. i mean, just because i feel a weight being lifted off whenever i take the locket off doesn't mean anything.. right? but how come everything these days points to something of that sort? both times in two days we couldn't meet. i didn't tell you this when you msged to say you're going out with someone else, but i actually started crying cos it felt like it was the end of things. seeing those words on the phone screen.. it felt so final. i'm probably being stupid, it doesn't mean a thing, but how come i feel so distant from you now? i open the locket and stare at your face but it doesn't feel like you're near me anymore. you don't always answer my msgs now. you've got a life of your own. everyone does. we're moving apart and it makes me want to scream and smash things, do anything to make time stand still. do anything to get some answers. do you even care about me anymore? do you even think about me, the way i worry about you? we aren't there for each other anymore. i guess you won't even be reading this anytime soon. maybe by the time you do, i'd have done something stupid just for the heck of it, to get some thrill out of life, to feel something and know i'm not dead inside.
well one of us is happy now. i'm happy for her - very very happy, but it makes me feel cold inside sometimes. when i wonder if i'll ever hold happiness in my hands that way. it makes me want to run out there and do something stupid. i'm horribly afraid i'll lose control and say something stupid - do something stupid.. i don't know what to do. but i hope everything turns out all right for her. cos i will honestly kill the person responsible if it doesn't end well.
slept the afternoon away. then watched tv. i don't want to do anything. to hell with hardworking asses who do their work and get the grades. i don't bloody care. why don't you just all go and die? shit. maybe i should. i can't stand looking at all of you. it makes me want to puke. everyone's all happyhappyhappy either that or you're freakin' good at hiding things. i hate the way you lie.
this is my punishment.
the rose you gave me has dried a dark shade of red. but it doesn't crumble. i wish it would. i wish i could count time by the petals falling off. i wish i could set myself a deadline, like the beast. i wish there was someone who could understand. don't pretend to - it's not worth it. and don't say that you're there for me, when you don't know what you're there for.
someone once said i probably live life regretting three quarters of the things i say and do. how true. it's stuck in my head. i can't think of anything i don't regret, at least a little. there is always that tinge of bitterness in my cup, no matter how sweet the liquid. always something to mar perfect happiness.
because i don't believe in perfect happiness for imperfect people.
ever done something just 'cos you were told not to? a rebel without a cause. i'm afraid i'm letting myself think of some things just because i'm told not to. and then when it's all over and done with i'll find out why i was told not to in the first place.
there are no stars in the sky. all rainbows are illusions. why do you believe in them, and follow them to their ends? there are no ends. i don't catch falling stars. i let them hit the ground.
the fire turns to ice and the water evaporates. i can never tell her.
it must've been love.
8:27 pm
xoxo
